#i started writing something last night that kinda devolved into a suicide note
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#prefacing this by saying I'm too lazy to do anything besides self harm#but it's time for my monthly spiral except shit is hitting different this time lmao#i turn 29 in 7 days and i really am just. over it#i started writing something last night that kinda devolved into a suicide note#talking about how the guilt of existence is tearing me apart. how i have no passions or motivations#i just get up. work. play some video games sometimes. go to bed. repeat.#I've barely slept lately#I've been awake since 2 am on and off crying#I'm tired of existing#I'm tired of not being able to help my friends or help my community or help the world#my existence contributed to the overall problem and I've been struggling to see a way forward#i started stock piling pills again and i know i could kill myself if i got the energy to#but I'm too lazy even for that#and it only brings with it further guilt because what the fuck do i have to be depressed about#i have a great job. a roof over my head. a car. enough money to live (even if it's barely)#some of the people i love most don't even have that. or they're stuck in situations that are just awful for one reason or another#yet I'm the one sitting here like “haha what if i just overdose on every medication in my house :D wouldn't that be funny guys?”#there's a song i love that i reference to my therapist a lot called Gut Punch by Everyone's Worried About Owen#and there's a line that goes “I feel guilty bring hurt cause there are other people hurting and those people really need support right now”#and it just. sums me up a lot. i feel guilty feeling like this when so many people in the world have it so much worse#so many of my friends have it so much worse#who the fuck am i to say it's too hard? it only furthers the cycle of guilt#and i don't know how to make it stop#anyway
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